What Do You Say Near The End Of Their Days?

Perhaps one of the greatest challenges we may face one day (if we haven’t already) is to be with someone who knows they only have a limited time left to live.  They know, you know and everybody knows that there is not long to go!  What do we say?  How should we be?  What can we do to bring comfort to someone who is often in great distress near the end of their days?  How are we to help our self to not ‘identify’ with their suffering so that we do not suffer our self?  For if we suffer with them it means we cannot be strong, we cannot support, we cannot be an authentic comfort for them, as we ourselves will need some comforting!

We could share with them that this is ‘natures way’.  We could point towards the natural  world and help them to notice how almost every plant, insect and animal instinctively knows when their time is over and how they gracefully surrender to what we call death.  It is natures’ way to renew and make new.  But they may not be able, or want to see and acknowledge, that as human beings our bodies are also an integral part of natures’ way.

We could tell them they are on the threshold of liberation from their pain.  Their suffering is nearly over.  And the end of suffering is a cause for celebration, not even more sorrow. But they may not see that it is their own ‘speculations’ about how their life will end that are getting in the way of ‘realising’ their pending freedom.  They may be ‘imagining’ the ending as infinitely more painful than whatever pain that they feel now.

We could tell them that they are simply making a transition into a new beginning, a new chapter on their journey called ‘life’.  We could remind them that there is no scientific evidence to prove that they will, as a conscious being, not continue after their present body’s use is over.  We could explain the idea that underpins many spiritual and religious philosophies, that death is just a doorway to another life, a new chapter.  But they just may not be open to the idea of living after dying.  Perhaps the learned beliefs of a lifetime are so deeply rooted in the opposite it may be hard for them to entertain such a possibility.

We could explain that their fear of what is going to happen at the moment of death is not a fear of the unknown but a fear of losing, of leaving behind, all that they know and hold on to.  Here it may be useful to share that wise old saying which goes something like this – if you die before you die then when you die you don’t die!  This simply means that death is just the releasing of everything we have been accumulating and clinging to all our life, including our memories and especially our body.  We could illustrate that if all attachment is consciously released before the moment that the ‘I’ has to say goodbye, then slipping out of the awareness of this past life, moving on from all that was accumulated, is easy and painless and entirely liberating.  But their attachment may be too deep to release so much in such a short space of time.

We could say that everything happens for a reason and there is benefit in everything, including the time that they have left.  This may help them to recognise that one of the reasons why their death is not a sudden one is because they have created the chance to tie up loose ends. It is a window of opportunity to say a loving farewell to everyone and leave the legacy of a memory in everyone’s mind of how to die with grace and dignity, how to move on with love in their heart and light in their eyes.  But they may not be open to seeing this ‘opportunity’ to say sorry, or say good luck, or say goodbye or say I love you. 

You could tell them the true story of the woman whose husband died and came back to life and the first thing he said was, “Death is wonderful.  No one should fear death!”  And then you could give them a book filled with ‘Near Death’ and ‘Return from Death’ experiences, almost all of which share the same theme that there is a radiant, unconditionally loving light awaiting to embrace and enfold them once they leave their mortal coil. But their scepticism may still be too great and they may not want to hear such stories. 

Or you could simply say nothing, hold their hand, sit with them in silence and be free of any personal feelings of anxiety or sorrow - just being empty and fully present with them and for them. In such moments you are not giving love to them because you are ‘being love for them’.  As you ‘be’ what you are, which is love, it is an invitation for them to join you, for they too are love.  It may well happen that the ‘penny drops’ and they realise love is what they are and that ‘love never dies’.    If this does happen, ‘they’ do say, that’s when all resistance comes to an end and a quiet acceptance takes its place.

A serene and peaceful passing is then much more likely.  There may even be a shared moment of joy.

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Ross Galán, NLP Spiritual Life Coach
at the Sipritual Life Coaching School