Great Expectations or Expectations of Greatness

You’ve asked the receptionist to tell you in which conference room the event is taking place.  But they don’t know and they start making calls to find out.  You become increasingly agitated because you expect them to know that sort of thing.  Your ‘date’ is late and you are working up an emotional lather as you expect them to be on time if they really ‘respect’ you.  The government has just announced tax rises, the power companies are increasing their prices and you start thinking how mad you are at these people because you expected them to leave those things alone!
 
What could life be like, what would life be like if we had no expectations of anything, anyone, anywhere, anytime?  It sounds impractical and probably impossible as every day seems to be punctuated and perforated with many small and occasionally large expectations.  Because it’s good to have expectations … isn’t it?  Expectations of others, expectations of the world, expectations of ones self, all seem to be natural and normal.  Parents expect great things from their children, managers expect excellent performance from their staff, and the nation has high expectations of its sports stars.  All the while we know that inevitably, one day, those expectations will not be met, and we will feel let down.  For some it’s as if their whole world collapses and they feel crushed inside.  Why?   Not because our child or the sports star did not perform, not because the job did not get done, but because we made our happiness dependent on our expectations being met.  We made the well being of our inner world dependent on what happens and what others do in the outer world.  The ‘let down’ feeling of sadness frequently turns to anger and resentment as we look for someone to blame for our unhappiness.  And if it’s an unmet expectation in a personal relationship then mistrust easily enters the relationship as we hold on to our ‘hurt’ for days, perhaps weeks and maybe even years as we replay ‘their’ behaviour in our minds.
 
So what’s the solution?  Perhaps it’s simply better to have no expectations.  Then we may avoid disappointment altogether.   If we were free of expectations perhaps we would stop living for some future outcome or result, and start living more in the present moment.  If we were free of expectations of others and of ourselves, we would then be free of the ‘tense thinking’ that inhabits the space between now and then!  And if we can be free of all expectations we would be more open to whatever may happen and then better able to respond proactively to whatever does happen.  
 
The Happiness Factor
If that sounds slightly impractical in relationships such as wife/husband, parent/child or manager/employee then perhaps there is a third way, a middle way, ‘low road’, until we are ready to take the ‘high road’ to freedom from expectation.  And the low road sounds a bit like this, “I expect you to do the job efficiently, I expect you to be on time, I expect you to be all that you can be.  But if you don’t, it’s OK, because my happiness is not dependent on it”.  Is it possible to separate the meeting of our expectations with our happiness?  It would appear to be the only way forward in a practical sense.  In this way we take the suffering out of unmet expectations, which then allows us to engage more proactively as we enquire to find out why things did not go ‘as expected’, “Was something wrong… did you need help… what happened exactly?”  These are all questions motivated by the intention to understand the other instead of blaming the other.  Questions that will not come easily, if at all, if we are sad and angry at having been let down.
 
The secret is to realise that when someone doesn’t meet your expectations, they don’t let you down, you let you down!

More often when we use the word ‘expectation’ what we really ‘mean’ is desire.  When we ‘expect’ we are really saying is what ‘I want’.  And if our happiness is tied to the fulfilment of our desires then we are bound to create a rollercoaster journey through life.  Essentially we want others to make us happy which is something they can never do.   Only we can make our self happy.  Only we can make our contentment stable and strong.  But as long as we believe that the other person should do ‘that task’ exactly the way we want, as long as we believe the train has to be exactly on time, as long as we believe our team should always win then we surrender our happiness to expectations that can never always be met…exactly as we want…all the time…forever.
Perhaps the most common mistake in all our relationships is to expect respect.  We might think it’s the least we should ‘get’ from the other.  And yet we all know that not everyone is capable of extending respect and regard all the time for a variety of personal reasons known only to them.  Sometimes we may even notice our self not respecting another for our own inner reasons. 
 
An Empowering Vision
Expectations can however be put to a powerful use.  To expect the best of someone is to have a vision of them performing at their best.  To create that vision is to transmit that vision to them which is a form of empowering them with the energy of encouragement.  And the same applies to our self.  It is no accident that in the last decade all the top sports men and women have resorted less to the adrenaline ‘hit’ to induce peak performance, and more to visualising their own ‘excellence’ before going anywhere near the tennis court and the golf course etc.  They build such a positive vision of themselves that when they do go out and perform they reach their peak with greater ease.  They don’t expect to fail but they are prepared to fail.  So when you expect the best of your child or your employee or your partner you have created a positive and elevated vision of them, which they can sense coming from you.  And when they see that you don’t become unhappy and upset when they don’t get there exactly when or in the way you expected, they still feel your support, they still feel your encouragement, they are still empowered by your authentic ‘care’ about them.  You cease to ‘transmit’ to them that they are responsible for your happiness. They cease to feel the pressure of another’s expectations.  They are no longer disempowered by your narrow concern for your own happiness.  They no longer fear your ‘emotional reaction’ if they don’t reach the stars… exactly… on time!

To transform an expectation of the other into an empowering vision for the other is possibly one of the greatest gifts anyone can give to …anyone!

Who are the three people you have expectations of in your life and how much is your happiness dependent on your expectations being met in each case?  (1 is low and 10 is high)

If you expect the best of yourself you will get better and better – why is this so?

Write down your short term expectations of your self in three areas in your life.  Fold that piece of paper and file it away for six months. Then read it again.
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Ross Galan, NLP Spiritual Life Coach
at the Spiritual Life Coaching School