In Which Mode Do YOU Operate?

If you look back on your average day you will likely notice that you frequently oscillate between two modes - resistance and acceptance.  For many people it’s a classic 80/20 where 80% of their time is spent in some form of resistance to something or someone.  Remember your IE-1 (Emotional Intelligence Level 1) in which we say, whatever you resist, will persist (Lo que resistes, persiste). For some, on some days, it will feel more like 99/1.  And for a few it’s 10/90.  For most of us it’s probably somewhere in between.   What we don’t often notice however, is that it’s our urge towards resistance, even if it’s just at a mental level, that is the cause of our day-to-day stress.  It’s not what others, or the world, are doing that makes us move into a mode of resistance, it’s our reaction, which is based on our judgment of them.

We live in a world where the influences of the media ensure we are well schooled in the art of RESISTANCE.  Battles fought and won are glorified to such an extent we prefer to avoid a possible resolution prior to battle so that we may bask in a glorious victory.  At the heart of politics, sport, business, personal development courses and seminars and even religion there can be found an ‘encouragement’ towards resistance.  And yet, on reflection, it becomes fairly obvious that resistance is an unenlightened way to live.  Here is why!

When you resist anyone or anything notice you are trying to control what you cannot control is usually either the ‘past’ or the others' ‘behaviour’ (or your partner or friends’ for instance?).  When you resist another person notice you are giving birth to conflict.  All conflict is simply two sides in a state of resistance towards each other.  When you resist anyone or anything notice how you are becoming closed towards the other or the situation, usually because you perceive them/it as a threat.  When you resist anyone or anything notice that you are in a state of stress entirely created by your self. When you resist anyone or any thing notice the ‘emotional content’ of your resistance is either anger or FEAR, (Fantasy Expectation Appearing Real) or one of their subtler forms.

It’s only when we recognise that no one and nothing ‘makes’ us resist, only when we recognise it is a self-created reaction that we can also realise why resistance is a highly unenlightened way to live.  It easily becomes a ‘habit of reaction’ that overrides our ‘choice of response’. However, it also seems to be what most people do most frequently and it appears to be the way the world works.  Competition is a form of mutual resistance. Competition in relationships (either husband or wife, between work-mates or among friends). Blaming and complaining about others are forms of resistance to what has just happened.  Criticising is even a form of resistance towards what others have done or are doing.  Limiting our self is a form if resistance towards our own potential.  All are symptoms of our discomfort at mental and emotional levels.  They are signs that we are making our self unhappy. 

A more enlightened way to live is from a state of ACCEPTANCE. Acceptance, doesn't meant giving up/surrenedring and accept whatever is 'on your plate'.  Acceptance does not mean we agree with the other person.  We have a different point of view and even if we perceive their point of view is less accurate we are free of judging them or attempting to change them.  Acceptance does not mean we condone what someone else has done.  But it’s already done and acceptance is the first step in moving forward, which may include finding ways not to repeat mistakes.

When we move from resistance to acceptance we move from control to influence.  We cannot control others; you understand, don't you?, but we can influence them.  Acceptance is just the first step in the process of influencing another.  The question, which then arises, is ‘how’ to influence the other most effectively?  This is the challenge of ‘creativity’ in the context of your relationship with the person in your relationships in general.  We cannot create an ‘influential response’ if our energy is stuck in a state of resistance.  When we move from resistance to acceptance we are initiating conflict resolution.  After decades of mutual resistance in Northern Ireland, for instance, a certain leader came along and said, “We don’t agree with these people, we do not condone what they have done or are doing, but we accept they exist and that they have a point of view”.  That one shift was the beginning of a dialogue and eventually a peace process that resulted in ‘mutual acceptance’ as the ground for a peaceful and co-creative co-existence. 

When we move from resistance to acceptance we open our self to the other or the situation.  And when we move from resistance to acceptance only then can we relax into life.  That’s also when our ‘emotional content’ is no longer anger and fear but our ‘state of being’ is peaceful and loving. Not ‘hippie peace’ or ‘Hollywood love’ but the natural peace of our being that is the power of our life, and the kind of love of which acceptance is just one of its many faces.

That’s not to say we allow the world to walk all over us.  If someone is attempting to snatch your bag or your billetera/cartera (wallet) then the most ‘creatively evasive action’ is necessary!  But if they are carrying a knife then the sooner the acceptance that the bag is about to permanently leave our possession kicks in the better, for obvious reasons. 

It’s no accident that even at the heart of many of the ‘marshal arts’ (Karate, for example, I know because I did Karate myself, ages ago) is the principle of acceptance.  It takes the form of embracing whatever energy comes to you, in whatever form, either letting the energy pass completely (all things come to pass) or catching its momentum and making it work for you AND the other. 

A TASK FOR YOU:

Anaswer this question: What are the three things/people that you resist the most and why?

And reflect on why does resisting others diminish our ability to connect with them?

Your task is to ask three people this week what they resist most and why – discuss with them the merits of such a response.

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Ross, NLP Spiritual Life Coach
at the Spiritual Life Coaching School

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