What Are YOU Worth?

During the last two decades the concepts of self-worth and self-esteem have exploded onto the landscape of personal development with a flurry of books, courses and experts promising to repair and restore what was almost unheard of only a couple of generations ago.  Self-worth and self-esteem mean almost the same thing.  Both point towards the idea of ‘value’.  We estimate the worth of something when we give (ascribe) some sort of value.

Ask almost anyone what they value most in life and they will likely tell you family, friends and their health.  Probe a little deeper and you will understand why.  Why do people want a nice family and lots of good friends?  Because these relationships are the context for the giving and receiving of love.  Why do people value their health so highly?  Because when we have good health we are at peace. So love and peace are what we really value!  And when there is love and peace in our life that’s when we are most contented, which is the deepest form of happiness.  So we can perhaps conclude that what is of the highest value in life is love, peace and happiness. It’s certainly not a new insight into the human heart, which of course is not the heart of our body but the heart of our consciousness. Some would even say these are the ‘priceless assets’ of every human being simply because each and every one of us is a walking, talking, laughing and living source of such inner ‘commodities’.  It’s just that they are not commodities but the highest levels of vibration that we create within our consciousness.  This is what makes each one of us ‘priceless’ simply because we cannot put a monetary or material value on any of these natural states and expressions of our being.

And yet it can seem as if there is a conspiracy to confuse!  We grow up learning to measure our worth in quantifiable terms.  Whether it’s by the amount of money that we earn or by the size of our home, our position at work or the newness and shininess of our possessions, we all seem to learn to build our sense of self-worth and self-esteem around ‘things’.  Even the ‘products’ by which we are told we can make our physical appearance look prettier and younger are sold to us with that now world famous by-line, “Because you’re worth it!” – L’Orèal. Those clever marketing people again!

What we seldom notice is the unease and insecurity that arises within our mind and heart when we externalize and attempt to quantify our self-worth and self-esteem.  And if we do notice we then dismiss it as ‘normal’ and par for the course called life.  What we often don’t notice are the frequently worrisome thoughts that arise whenever anything faintly looks like threatening the measures of our worth.  What we seldom notice is how we sustain these illusions about our self-worth and self-esteem and then, through our behaviours and conversations, pass them on to the next generation.  At the heart of almost all these illusions of worth and esteem is one fundamental confusion. We mistake our net-worth for our self-worth and in doing so we don’t realize we are diminishing our value! 

Net-worth is material and tangible while our self-worth is non-material and intangible.  One is measurable in quantitative terms while the other is only ‘felt’ in qualitative terms.  One is perishable while the others is imperishable.  One can be stored and accumulated for a rainy day while the other does not need to be stored as it can never be stolen or diminished, only suppressed and temporarily hidden from our awareness.  One is known when it is acquired and counted while the other can only be known when it is given away i.e. you can only really know money and material after you accumulate it but you can only know your self as a source of love when you give your love away.

And this is why there can never be an expert in self-worth and self-esteem except your self.  Only you know your own value but only in the moment when you give of your self selflessly.  And paradoxically that’s the moment when you least need to know and feel any value, any worth.  That’s the moment when you are not ‘estimating’ your self. 

In fact, if the truth be known, just as you cannot love your self, for love is what you are, so too you cannot estimate your self, you cannot ‘value’ your self.  It is the self that ascribes value to everything that is not the self.  And the very source of value can never value itself!  It doesn’t need to.  You don’t need to. The ascribing of value (i.e. estimating worth) requires a subject and an object and the self cannot be both a subject and object at the same time.  Perhaps this is why no one ever succeeds in restoring their self-worth but only continues in a vain but misinformed attempt to do the impossible.  Perhaps this is why the self-esteem and self-worth industries just keep on growing.  There is no cure for a disease that ultimately does not exist except the realisation of its non-existence!

When you sometimes say, “I really value my self ”, what is it that you believe you are valuing?

Why might it be impossible to esteem your self?

Say to three people this week, “I hold you in high esteem”, and then reflect and contemplate on what you really mean.
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Ross Galán, NLP SPiritual Life Coach
at the Spiritual Life Coaching School