Are YOU Trusting Enough?

The foundation of relationship is respect.  As we explored last week if the respect is absent then it’s as if there is no relationship.  To respect someone is to affirm the innate goodness and worth of the other.  This definition eventually triggers the age old question – are human beings born good and learn to be naughty or are they born with badness built in?  We can only maintain our respect for the other if we truly sense and acknowledge, regardless of their words and actions, that ‘the other’ never looses their innate goodness and worth, only their awareness of it.  As soon as we withdraw our respect we send a message that we believe they are not worthy of respect and therefore not a worthwhile person.  Not exactly the ground on which brilliant relationships are forged.

First Thing to Go!

Sitting alongside, and often intertwined with respect, is trust.  In our relationships trust is often the first thing to go and the last thing to come back.  And although it’s not impossible, it’s hard to trust someone that you have decided you do not respect.  While a loss of trust appears to have different causes it’s often hard to separate respect and trust in our day-to-day relationships.  When we do start to mistrust someone it’s usually for more personal reasons than disrespect and until we are honest with ourselves we won’t be able see the real cause of our  withdrawal of our trust in others.  And even though we may know the theory of the others innate worth and goodness, we will find it hard to maintain our trust and respect when we ‘believe’ that they have affected us personally at an emotional level.

People withdraw their trust for a variety of reasons and at the heart of almost every reason there is fear.  Until we find our own cures for our own fears we will continue to mistrust others and thereby sabotage our relationships. 

Mistrusting – The Fears and the Cures

There are seven main reasons why we withdraw our trust from others.  All are rooted in our ego, the ultimate source of all fear.  The transparency of the egoless state is therefore the only way free.  In the meantime it’s useful to understand each form that our mistrust will take.

1  The Fear of Being Hurt

This kind of mistrust is usually based on a past experience where we believe we were let down by the other or by someone in a similar situation.  We believe we can avoid a recurrence of the hurt if we do not trust the other.  While this usually begins in one particular relationship it easily spills into many other and sometimes all of our relationships.  The only cure is the realisation that no one actually hurts us.  Our disappointment (sadness) is entirely self created.  Our anger towards the other then becomes our attempt at revenge.  In truth no one lets us down ever.  We let ourselves down.  Yes they may miss the deadline or make frequent mistakes or even tell lies, but we are still the creator of our hurt feelings.  And if it’s our body that they seem to hurt it’s only possible to free ourselves from allowing our physical pain to become emotional suffering when we realise that we are not our body!  Only then can we cease to take it personally!

2  The Fear of Being Exposed

This kind of mistrust comes because we are hiding something that we don’t want others to know or see.  We perceive ‘the other’ as someone who may expose us.  This fear is the result of trying to keep something secret.  Self honesty and transparency in our relationships is the only way free!

3  The Fear of Being Diminished

This kind of mistrust arises from the belief that the other actually may be better i.e. more capable than we are.  We easily ‘project’ on to them the belief that they are in some way out to show us up so our insecurity (fear) is extended towards them in the form of mistrust.  The only way free is to embrace and empower the capacity of the other and expand our own capacity by learning from the other.

4  The Fear of Being Manipulated

This kind of mistrust stems from a lifetime of being an object of manipulation.  It is universally accepted that the role of politicians and marketeers is to try to manipulate our perceptions and therefore our feelings and behaviours.  Politicians are not so good at it as their promises ring increasingly hollower.  The marketeers are getting better at it as they disguise the false promise of ‘happiness by acquisition’ in increasingly sophisticated ways.  The only way free is to realise that no one can ever control your perceptions and therefore your feelings and actions.  Only we do that for ourselves, even when we think others are doing it, it’s still our self that is doing it!  No one can manipulate us without our permission.  It’s just that the permissions that we grant are more subconscious than conscious!

5  The Fear of the Others Bad or Violent Behaviours

This kind of mistrust arises when someone has a track record of violence or bad behaviour.  It’s hard to ignore the past especially if others (the rest of the team/family) were and will be affected detrimentally.  One cure can be seen when managers or coaches of sports teams often give the captaincy to the player with the worst disciplinary record and the most incendiary behaviour.  Very often the increased responsibility is enough to trigger a softening of attitude and a change in behaviour.  And if the violence between two people is in a domestic context the only cure will often be that one has to physically leave the relationship until change is seen to be consistent.

 6  The Fear of  the Others Reputation

This kind of mistrust arises when we allow our perception of someone to be coloured by others experiences.  When we allow others to influence our perception of a person in a negative way it often seems easier to ‘make up our mind’ about them before we even meet them.   The only cure is to develop the habit of consciously meeting everyone ‘fresh’ and free of any preconceived notions about what they are like.  While this can sound somewhat naive in some situations it means we exercise the power to give everyone we meet (as well as ourselves!) a fresh start!  Not so easy in a world where many people spend more time creating, analysing and judging the reputations of others than they do in creating their own!

7  The Fear of the Others Incapacity

This kind of mistrust arises when we are not sure the other is capable of doing the task at hand.  In many ways it’s the only situation where mistrust is justified, except ‘mistrust’ is probably not the right word to use.  Better to call it a lack of confidence in the others current ability.  The cure is accurate assessment of the others capacity before any task is delegated.  This is the daily task of both managers at work and parents at home.  Not so much mistrust just good evaluation and decision making which is free of fear.

Which of the above reasons for mistrusting another do you sense you are trapped by?

When you withdraw your trust is it possible to still respect someone?

List the names of seven people that you work with and assess each one in terms of how much you think you trust them (1 is low and 10 is high) – then identify which of the above fears you think is sabotaging your ability to trust that person.

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Ross Galán, NLP Spiritual Life Coach
at the Spiritual Life Coaching School