More On Words

Responding to comments of the last blog, got me thinking about other ways words create an impact.  In some of my associations with T.A. practitioners, I've learned how children are taught to BE a certain way - be good, be quick, be quiet, be nice.  Children learn that they have to be all these things to get approval from their parents.  And if they are not meeting all these expectations, then they feel they are not OK and not worthy of love and acceptance.  However, there are times when being good, quick, quiet, or nice is not appropriate.  For example, I would never suggest that being 'not nice' is appropriate, but being nice could be misinterpreted (especially by a child) as being a door mat.  For example, if the bully wants your lunch money everyday, then 'be nice' could be interpreted as you hand over your money each day with a smile on your face and ignore the resulting fears and hunger. 
So how do we teach appropriate action for each situation?  My mother was good at this.  She always explained what made good behaviour - for example, you strive to be on time to show respect to those you are meeting.  And not 'because I say so' (although my parents weren't saints and I do believe that that phrase was uttered in desperation on occasion).  So the 'being on time' wasn't the important thing, but the 'showing respect' was.

But the important subtle difference is that the emphasis is not put on being.  If I'm told in a stern voice by my father to 'be quiet', then I learn that I am only acceptable when I am quiet.  I want approval from my father and so I practice being quiet.  I get so good at it, that when a time comes to use my voice, I can't.  I can't speak out, I can't voice an opinion, I can't sing solo, etc.
Whereas if I'm told to keep my voice down while people are still sleeping, or play quietly while we have guests, or don't talk (er, um, I mean, 'stay quiet') during a church service, then I learn appropriate actions for different situations.  It doesn't mean I have to 'be quiet' to be accepted and loved - I'm already accepted and loved!  I just need to adopt the behaviours of the community in which I live to keep harmony.  And my parents are showing me what those behaviours are for my benefit.

It also means I can go outside during daylight hours and scream my brains out!
-  - - - -
Ross Galán, NLP Spiritual Life Coach
at the Spiritual Life Coaching School