DETACHMENT (Part I)

How Detached Could YOU Be?

It’s probably true to say that ‘detachment’ gets a bad press!  In Western so called developed societies it tends to be interpreted as either ‘non caring’ or as some form of ‘avoidance’ and often invokes a feeling of coldness.  They are interpretations from which we can easily give our self permission not to investigate the true meaning and implications of detaching i.e. living from a place of ‘non attachment’.

So what is the difference between attachment and detachment in reality?  Attachment happens entirely within our consciousness.   When we become attached to any ‘object’ or any one single thing or any ‘person’ or any ‘place’ we lose our ‘sense of self’ in the image of the object of attachment  That image is our creation on the screen of our mind.  This primary ‘location’ of attachment within our mind is one of the reasons why detachment is so misunderstood.  Few of us learn to be aware of exactly what we are dong and what is going on within our own consciousness.  . 

This is why when something happens to the object of attachment ‘out there’ we take it personally and suffer ‘in here’.  While it ‘looks’ like something is happening to the object of our attachment ‘out there’ it ‘feels’ like it is happening to us ‘in here’.  If we did not lose our self in the image of the object/person of attachment we would be detached and therefore undisturbed whenever something happened to the object/person.

This ‘mistake’ of attaching our self to an image then becomes the basis for the creation of ‘fear’ in the form of  worry as we project the same or similar ‘happenings’ into our imagined futures.  Unfortunately we have also re-interpreted ‘worry’ as care and have learned to believe that if we don’t worry it means we don’t care!  Not wanting to be accused of not caring we make sure others know that we worry.  And then we worry that they may not recognise how much we care!  And so we ‘justify’ our worrying in the name of care!

Sabotaging Our Freedom

Attachment then means we have ‘trapped’ our self ‘in’ the image of the object of our attachment in our mind. Hence the incessant ‘thinking about’ the object of attachment and whatever is immediately related to it.  This then becomes a major source of mental tiredness, which can quickly translate into physical fatigue, as we think too much i.e. worry.  This goes some way to explain why so many now live, and tolerate living, in almost perpetual anxiety.

We also become attached to the images of less tangible ‘things’ like our beliefs, especially those which were assimilated at a young and more innocent age.  Hence our tensions and irritations that arise when we are challenged by others’ beliefs directly or indirectly.  Each day we witness various levels of violence in various parts of the world simply because groups of people are collectively attached to a set of beliefs.  They believe it’s right to ‘believe’.  They believe their beliefs are the truth, but can’t quite see they are simply attached to an idea/s or a concept/s and are therefore setting themselves up to suffer i.e. to make themselves unhappy.  Most of us can recognise our ‘belief attachments’ when we start to argue about anything, but only if we take a few moments to reflect after the emotional heat of the argument has cooled. Why not say silently, ‘I’d rather be loving than be right/argue’?

Violating Our Self

It seems very few of us realise that attachment in itself is a form of violence upon the self.  During the past few years we have become more aware that there are those among us who, for some reason, self-harm and self-abuse at a physical level.  But self-harm is something we all seem to have learned and practise daily at a spiritual level i.e. within our consciousness, when we ‘attach’ our self to an image and attempt to ‘live in’ that image. This ‘self trapping’ can be within a variety of different images (objects/people/places/positions etc.) depending on the immediate situation and can last for various lengths of time (minutes/hours/days/years) depending on the depth of the attachment.  The sign of harm at the physical level is pain whereas the sign of harming at a spiritual level is suffering.  The self suffers emotionally. 

Whenever there is attachment the emotions that signal our suffering will arise as some form of sadness, anger and/or fear.  When we mistakenly justify these emotions as being ‘natural’ human responses we give our self permission not to seek the cause of our emotional suffering or we project the cause of our suffering on to others.  We don’t realise the true cause of our emotions (love is not an emotion, but rather a feeling, a refined feeling of ‘emotion’ if you will) is always an attachment to something or someone.  It is therefore something we can free our self from.  Victimhood is not compulsory, though it can ‘seem’ to be so …sometimes!

 Learned Detachment

It’s therefore no accident that surgeons are not allowed to operate on their own family as ‘family’ tends to be our deepest emotional attachment.  It is where attachment is most often mistaken for love!  The emotions that arise (some form of fear or anger) would therefore interfere with their decision making ability and their capacity to remain calm, stable and accurate as they deliver the care that their profession has trained them to do.   It’s also no coincidence that doctors, nurses, police, counsellors and therapists are taught to be detached so that they may give the highest possible care to those whom they serve.  It is this juxtaposition of emotional ‘detachment’ being necessary in order to ‘care’ that flummoxes most of us simply because it often seems the world in general, and certain industries in particular, make it their ‘business’ to keep us in a state of attachment in the name of care (love)!

When we attach to anything or anyone it also means we are ‘on the take’.  We want something or we believe we are getting something vital to our happiness from the object of our attachment, usually through some form of ‘stimulation’.  But it’s a stimulation that gradually, if not instantly, becomes an emotional dependency, which most of us now know is not the route to authentic happiness.  Detachment is therefore only truly possible when we are free from wanting and taking.  Only then are we able to truly give and share (love) without expectation.  This dynamic shows up in the art of ‘detached involvement’.  To many people detachment sounds like becoming a cold fish and disengaging or avoiding further involvement.  But in the context of our relationships detachment allows us to be involved more fully, to engage more authentically.  When we are attached to someone or to a particular outcome it means we ‘want’ something and it’s that wanting something for our self that gets in the way of being able to engage and listen and feel and deeply sense what the ‘other’ is going through.  Only when we are free internally from any attachment, and therefore neediness, can we sense, which often means intuit, the real needs of the other and perhaps meet those needs. 

Perhaps this is why the idea and the art of ‘detached involvement’ has become a recognised management/leadership skill.  It is an ability that allows us to be free of all preoccupations on the inside enabling us to fully engage with people and the world on the outside.  Whether you are playing your role as manager, parent or just good friend ‘detached involvement’ enables you to nurture and sustain your relationships free of selfish concerns (desires) and therefore with an genuinely benevolent attitude. 

And if the term ‘detachment’ still has connotations of coldness try replacing it with ‘non-attachment’ or better still emotional dependency and see if it invokes more a feeling of a free being… being free!

May I ask you one thing, What are your main attachments in life do you think?

Would you let yourself to reflect on each one and see if you can see the nature of the fear that you create around each one in your mind?

 Take an action to slowly imagine life without each one.  See and feel how you would be.  If you ‘think’ you would be devastated sit with that thought and feeling for a little while as a ‘detached observer’ of that thought/feeling and watch what happens within your consciousness.

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DETACHMENT (Part II)

Practising the Art of Detached Involvement

To achieve true, authentic detachment and the practice of ‘detached involvement’ that we began to explore last week, it’s necessary to see and understand how attachment happens exactly.  One of the best metaphors for understanding the mechanism and process of ‘attachment’ is the cinema.  There we are in the auditorium aware of our self patiently waiting for the start of the movie.  When it does begin and all those coloured lights start dancing across what was a blank white screen we may notice how we ‘seem’ to leave your body in the seat and go into the story on the screen.  We get lost in the story and eventually lose our self in the characters.  What they feel we feel, what they go through we go through, as we live vicariously through them.  Some more than others of course!

What few of us notice in such situations is that the movie isn’t really playing ‘out there’ on the cinema screen.  That’s just flickering lights on a flat screen. The movie is really playing on the screen of our minds.  We use the images on the screen ‘out there’ to create our own version of the story ‘in here’.  And then we ‘go into’, get into the box, so to speak, the story and into the characters on the screen of our mind as we create them.  This is ‘where’ the attachment takes place.  Attachment is not a static thing!  Attachment is a dynamic, changing, moving process within our consciousness as we continuously ‘lose our self’ in what is ‘on’ our mind.  And what is most frequently ‘on’ our mind are the stories about others, situations and objects that we create ‘in here’.  Yes people, situations and objects etc. are ‘out there’ but our versions of them are our ‘imaged creations’… in here!

As we bring what is happening around us in the office, at home, in the newspapers etc. into our consciousness we re-create all that is ‘out there’ on our mind ‘in here’ and then we lose our Self in our creation of the world, the office, the home etc. ‘in here’. The moment/s of losing our Self in what is ‘on’ our mind is what attachment is.  As a consequence we become extremely vulnerable to the inevitable change/s that take place in the world, office, home etc.  And when changes ‘out there’ do happen it’s as if it is happening to us.  So we take it personally and become ‘agitated’ in our consciousness.  This agitation takes various forms and is what we know as ‘emotion’.  And it’s those emotions sadness/angers/fears) that keep us busy with our Self on the inside and less available, sometimes partially available and often not available at all for others. 

Watching Your Own Movies

When we are busy losing our Self in our creation and the consequent agitations it’s a sign that we are attached and trapped in the stories that we create and project onto the screen of our mind.  Being fully available and present for others therefore requires that we ‘detach’ and cease creating and getting lost in our stories so that we can fully connect with others… OR…create the stories (the movies on our mind) but retain the awareness that they are only stories and therefore not something to lose our Self in!  Just as the director of a Hollywood movie does not mistake the movie they are making for reality (because they find themselves “out of the box”, so we stay awake and aware that the stories we create of and about the world out there….in here…are only representations of that reality filtered through and shaped by our experiences and beliefs and therefore not the ‘real’ and original thing.  This allows us to practise staying in the mode known as the ‘detached observer’.  Thus we keep our Self internally free and therefore our intellect (our ‘third’ eye) is free and ‘non-reactive’, but rather pro-active, allowing us to ‘discern’ and create the most appropriate ‘response’.    This is why ‘detachment’ is the bridge from knee jerk reaction to measured and conscious response.  

When we are fully awake and aware of our Self being the creator of the stories on the screen of our mind we do not get lost in the stories.  It’s as if we are sitting in the cinema watching the movie without losing our awareness that it’s just a movie and we are just an observer (from out side the box) of the unfolding story.  Just as we are aware that it’s just flickering lights on a flat cinema screen so, in the auditorium of our consciousness, we are aware that there are many thoughts in the form of images passing across the screen of our minds. 

Are You Emotionally Addicted/Attached?

However if we want to continue to be ‘emotionally agitated’ it means we are addicted to the stimulations of our emotional dramas.  Most of us do tend to be addicted to some form of emotional agitation which is why the idea of detachment can easily be perceived as threatening the supply of our emotional drugs!  It’s our addiction to these emotional ‘drugs’ that keep us creating ‘dramas’ out of nothing and keep us habitually attached to some story on the screen of our mind.  It’s the search for our emotional drugs that disconnects from others OR has us trying to push the others buttons to get them to react emotionally so that we then have an excuse to do the same!  In such ‘scenarios’ we become what we sometimes refer to as ‘drama queens’!

This is why the practice known as ‘detached involvement’ is ultimately the foundation of true friendship, great parenting, effective leadership and Coaches, mothers, fathers, bosses, etc. and our ability to help, counsel, help, support, coach, motivate… others in both formal and informal settings. This is especially so in Coaching sessions of any sort, be it Executive Coaching, Self Coaching, Life Coaching, Sports Coaching and all sorts of Coaching available today. This practice of ‘DETACHED INVOLVEMENT’ is especially effective in what I personally call Spiritual Life Coaching. You need to and must be actively INVOLVED and DETACHED at the same time all through the Coaching session or any activity involving relating to things and especially to people. ‘Plunge into the din of battle and keep your heart at peace’ as I usually and mindfully practise and “predict” and recommend people to be aware of this for this, to me, works wonders. It is likely to work with you too.

Signs of the Practical Application of Detached Involvement

There are seven dynamic signs of ‘detached involvement’ in action and therefore of someone who has freed themselves from both emotional suffering and the emotional addiction that arises from all forms of attachment.

1)  In the mode of detached involvement you don’t get sucked into the dramas of others or live vicariously through others.  You are able to listen to their stories without being emotionally affected and therefore attached.  It’s as if you are warm, open and receptive while being calm, cool and collected at the same time.  Not an easy skill when the ‘other’ often expects you to mimic and join in their emotional turmoils and perhaps affirm their victimhood.

2)  In the mode of detached involvement then when it’s time for things to ‘leave’ you, things like your job, money, people etc. you do not suffer emotionally.  It’s not a ‘bad’ thing if you do suffer, as emotional pain is not a question of good or bad – it’s just a ‘signal’ and therefore an opportunity to investigate the cause of your suffering.  As all emotional suffering is ultimately self created it means that if you can find the root cause (always attachment) then you can set your self free.  You make the shift from reacting to responding; from re-active to pro-active and your inner choice is restored.

3)     In the mode of detached involvement you are able to be more fully present for others in the moment we call ‘now’.  You no longer create a fictional story and waste energy in worrying about what may happen (what may be lost) and therefore what emotion ‘you’ may ‘feel’ in the future.  Worry is always speculative fear-based thinking about losing something and/or someone (thinking that we have them or own them – we don’t ‘have’ things; we only use them. We don’t have people either, much less own or possess them; we can only ‘be’ and ‘live’ with them) you are attached to… in the future.  This can range from specific things or people or to your levels of comfort within your lifestyle etc. 

4) In the mode of detached involvement your intellect is free of bias and prejudice (attachment to deep and often subconscious beliefs) and can clearly discern and respond to the deeper issues and significance that lie behind internal and external events. You cease to filter the world ‘out there’ through the beliefs and perceptions that you once were attached to ‘in here’. You can discern cleanly and clearly exactly what is going on!

5)  In the mode of detached involvement you may set out to achieve a goal but if you don’t arrive on time you don’t beat your self up.  You don’t start your ‘I am a failure/non- achiever’ self-talk.  You are not ‘attached’ emotionally to the outcome or result so your motivation and enthusiasm is fear-free and therefore much more sustainable.  When your happiness ceases to be dependent on reaching your goals the journey truly does become the destination and now you can ‘appreciate’ all the views along the way!

6)  In the mode of detached involvement while you may have expectations of others your happiness is no longer dependent on anyone or anything meeting your expectations.   You are no longer dependent on others (people and things) behaviours to ‘make’ you happy.  You are free. Your happiness is not caused by anything or anyone else. Your happiness is caused by nothing/no one.

7)  In the mode of detached involvement no person or event or thing(s) in the world can shock or shake you.  You know that ‘stuff happens’ and as a ‘detached observer’ of the game of life known as ‘continuous change’ you are able to watch and respond in ways that may help others out of their shocks and shakings!  Your emotional detachment defines your availability for others – another seeming paradox to our conditioned minds.  I’d like to en this theme a story of an archer which sounds like this: “When an archer shoots for nothing, all his skills and energies are unleashed. When he shoots for a prize of gold, he goes blind; he’s out of his mind. He sees two targets. His attention divides him. He’s more interested in winning than of shooting and the need to win drains him of power.”

What are the two main stories that you are currently creating and losing your self in do you think?

You might want to reflect on why you think you keep creating these stories – what the emotional agitations are you are addicted to

Your task perhaps is to consciously practise the awareness of the ‘detached observer’ of the movies on the screen of our mind. “Get out of the box” and enjoy life the way you like to enjoy it. You do deserve it!  
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Ross NLP Spiritual Life Coach
International Service E-mail: unicoross@hotmail.com
Contact Phone (+34) 619 564 204