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Life At Its Best: Life’s Blossoming - Life Is A Mirror For Us
Whenever we look outside ourselves, we tend to evaluate. (Actually, we tend to judge, but the word “evaluate” is a softer, milder one with which to begin.) Those evaluations tell us about the people (you know who I’m referring to; people you have some grudges against) and things (that too, you know) around us.
It goes like this: whatever we find “true” about the people and things around us, is also true for and about us or ourselves. When we evaluate anything (or anyone) outside ourselves, what we are doing is looking into a mirror: it’s reflecting everything back to us about ourselves.
At first, this concept may seem rather far-fetched. Once you start using the concept, however, you may find it remarkable. You may not always like what you see in the mirror, you may not always be comfortable with it, but, if you want to learn about yourself more quickly (and that’s what the techniques in this article are designed to do), looking at yourself in the mirror of people and things is a valuable tool.Remember the first time you heard your voice on a tape recorder, or saw yourself on videotape? “I don’t sound like that!” or “I don’t behave that way!” Meanwhile, all your friends are saying, “Yes, that’s what you sound like. Yes, that’s precisely how you behave.”
The first time we saw ourselves on videotape, we wondered how we had any friends at all. In time, with repeated viewings, we learned to accept the images of ourselves on the tape, and from that point of acceptance onwards, could begin making changes. (I like to think of them as improvements, enhancers, boosters. You may add some more nouns if you like.)
And so it is with the mirror of life. You may not like all you see in the mirror, but till you look into the mirror and accept that all you see about yourself, you will not be able to make changes (improvements) you’d like.
If you look at someone and say, “They are angry, and I don’t like that.” Could it be you don’t like it when you are angry? If you look at someone and say, “They’re scared.
I wish they’d just do it.” Could there be something you wish you would “just do”?
To evaluate and blame others does us little good. What do we learn? What we can evaluate and blame? We probably know we can do, that's just fine.
Using the mirror, we see that we judge and blame ourselves. Now, this is information we can do something about. We can, for example, stop judging and blaming ourselves. I often tell participants in all my Seminars on Emotional Intelligence and all my clients ('Coachees') in my Coaching Sessions this.
(Most people, when they discover they judge and blame themselves, begin to judge and blame the fact that they judge and blame themselves. When they notice that they are judging and blaming themselves for judging and blaming themselves, they begin to judge and blame themselves for that. It can become the layers of an onion.)Sometimes, we have to shift our focus a bit to see what it is about ourselves that’s being reflected by others. For example, you may look at someone smoking and not like it. If I asked you to look into the mirror, you might say, “I don’t smoke, how does that apply to me?” What is it that you don’t like about the other person’s smoking? “It is unhealthy.” Then, the question is: What do you do that’s not in the best interest of your health? “Smoking is inconsiderate” What do you do that’s inconsiderate? “Smoking is a bad habit” What’s you worst habit? “It’s a waste of money” What do you waste money on? “It shows no self-control.” Of what part of yourself would you like to have control of?
Get the idea? There are other people’s actions, and then there are the judgements we place upon those actions. If we move from the action we judge, and look at the judgement, we usually find a similar judgement we make about ourselves.
It is fun to extend this idea beyond people and include things as well. “This computer of mine never works when I want it to,” What about you “never” works when you want it to? “It “always” rains at the worst possible time.” What do you do at the worst possible time? Absolute words like “never”, “always”, “everything”, in NLP is a linguistic violation or a linguistic ‘rape’. Being an NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) Practitioner myself, I need to be aware of this and careful when it comes to using such words.) “This steak is too tough.” What about you could use a little tenderising?How does knowing this about yourself help? First, it gives you loads of material on which to practise acceptance. Can you accept everything you already know about yourself and everyone you already relate to, and also everything and everyone you learn about yourself by looking into the mirror by looking into other people’s behaviour? Your harshest judgements of others are the very ones you must or need to accept about yourself. Can you do it? I know you can. We all can. As Barack Obama’s catch phrase, ‘Yes, we can’ Will you do it? Only you know the answer to that.
Second, the mirror also focuses you back on something (that is, someone, you know who they are) you can do something about. (Ever notice how little effect your judgements have had on others?) which brings me to my first Pop Quiz. (Yes, Life Is At Its Best: Life Is Blossoming has a Pop Quiz, just like school.)To continually have “god advice” for a world that, for the most part, is completely disinterested in (and sometimes hostile to) advice of any kind:
(A) is a waste of time(B) is a waste of good advice
(C) tends to alienate self from others
D) tends to alienate others from self
(E) promotes self-righteousness in the giver
(F) promotes resentment in the receiver
(G) all of the above
Guess who could really use all that good advice? For the answer, I quote from Michael Jackson’s song Man in the Mirror: “If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself in the face.” All that good advice you’ve been giving others (or would give to others if they only had the ‹emotional› intelligence to ask) finally has a home: You!
And, as you’re the only one you can really change, the only one who can really use all your good advice is yourself. Isn’t it wonderful that the advice giver and the best user of the advice are the same person? (NOTE: If you’re thinking, “I have to tell so-and so this. They need to take some more of their own advice,” remember the mirror. It’s probably you who needs to take more of your own advice.) This reminds me of my Bible readings, and this one particularly is from Matthew, Chapter 7, Verses 3-5 which says, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Again, sometimes we must shift the focus and ask ourselves the large question in order to see how the advice we give another would fit ourselves.
If your advice to so-and-so is to be more careful with heir money or words, and you don’t think you need that advice because you have already are careful with your money or words, what do you need to be more careful about? If your advice to thus-and-such is to exercise more, and you already exercise a lot, what part of yourself (other than your body) could do with a bit more exercise?
When we look into the mirror of life and see all there is within ourselves that needs, shall we say, improvement, we know we’re going to be at it for some time – changing what we can, doing the best with what we can’t, accepting and forgiving (or For Giving) it all, whenever we remember to do so. (I know, for example, that I’m really writing this article for myself, and if you care to look over my shoulders as I learn from my own “good advice,” you are most welcome.)
Also see that whenever we lash out another, we are really lashing out at ourselves. In this context, to strike another is as silly as striking the bathroom mirror because it’s giving you a reflection you don’t like. We can only pray that in our striking out, we don’t hurt the mirror – especially when that mirror is another (________, fill in the space) or another (________, another space). Could that be where the superstition, “If you break a mirror, it’s seven years bad luck,” comes from?
Thus far, I’ve only been talking about the “glass darkly” side of the mirror concept. It does have a lighter side. Bathroom mirrors also reflect what’s good about us, about you. And so, too, does the “mirror” of life..
All the people and things that you find loving, affectionate, caring, devoted, tender, wonderful, compassionate, beautiful, adorable, magnificent and sacred are simply mirroring to you the loving, affectionate, caring, devoted, tender, wonderful, compassionate, beautiful, adorable, magnificent and sacred parts of yourself. Agree?
The lighter side of the mirror concept is sometimes more difficult for people to accept than the darker side. I know this is so for I have witnessed it in all my Seminars: be it in London, Madrid, New York, Singapore or anywhere else I’ve been to doing Seminars, the Philippines is no exception to this. “I can see that I am impatient when I judge someone else for being impatient,” you may say, “But when I see the majesty of a mountain, what does that have to do with me?” Everything! That purple mountain majesty is in you too.
In fact, it’s not really in the mountain at all. What’s in the mountain is rock, and nothing but a rock. What we, as humans, project onto the mountain is majesty. That’s one of the reasons the mirror concept works. Most of the time we are projecting something onto nearly everything and/or everyone. When the projection returns to us, we can see it as a reflection – which it is – or we can pretend it is emanating from the thing we projected the reflection onto. What do we project more of in the mirror of our life?
The illusion that what we projected is coming from the thing we projected it onto is a deceptive one. We tend to get lost in the illusion, just as we tend to get lost in the illusion of the images projected on a movie screen. It is, nonetheless, an illusion, and the source of the projection at the cinema theatre is the projector. The source of the things we think and feel about others (and things?). Again, only that it is put in another way, is what am I projecting out onto the world out there?
Using the mirror concept, we can begin to recognise the true source of the projections we send out. What goes out comes back, so they say (boomerang effect?) is. We begin to see that this person wasn’t so bad or evil or ill-spirited after all. It was, in fact, what we were projecting onto them. We see that this other person wasn’t so wonderful after all. We were merely projecting our own wonderfulness upon them.
The more you use it, the more you likely to find the mirror concept works. Please remember this; this is an advanced tool for learning. There is, however, an advanced advanced version of this, too. It’s called relationships. How do we relate to people (people whom you have 'friction' with?)
Relationships
Most people seek relationships to get away from themselves. But not eager learners! We ‘Use everything for our upliftment, learning and growth’ (One of the three ‘Groundrules’ I use in all my Seminars on Emotional Intelligence) – including relationships. One of the most important things we can learn from a relationship is what the relationship can teach us about ourselves.
Relationships can be some of the most amazing mirrors around that I know of. Some relationships are lie fun-house mirrors: they reflect something back to you, but it’s liable to be distorted. Other relationships are like magnifying or reducing mirrors: they make everything they reflect seem larger or smaller than they truly are.
Some relationships are accurate mirrors of the darkness inside us, others accurately the light. Occasionally, I find one that reflects both. That’s the relationship we either flee from, or “grapple to our hearts with hoops of steel.”
I’m using the term relationship in the broadest possible sense. Relationships truly take place inside ourselves. We have a relationship with anyone or anything we encounter. Have you ever read a book by an author who has long since shucked this mortal coil, and still felt a relationship? Or felt close to a cinema character, knowing all the while the person never even existed?
What we do inside ourselves about the people (and things) we choose to be in relationship can be one of the greatest learning tools in the entire repertoire – especially so when combined with the mirror.
Next time you think about someone, (you know who in your relationship), “I hate (or dislike, which is at least milder than “hate” or "despise" or "abhor") you or them,” especially when it carries undertones, ask yourself, “What is it this person is reminding me of and about myself that I hate or dislike or abhor?” And the next time you think of another, “I love you,” ask yourself, “What is it about myself I love that I see in this person, too?”
Answering – and accepting the answers to – these questions lays the foundation for not just personal learn- ing, but for enjoyable, productive relationship with others.
Inner Voices
It doesn’t take much inner listening to know that there are many voices: speaking, singing, shouting, and whispering. At times, we’re sure we have a whole range of tabernacle choir in there.
Some of the “voices” speak, others show images. Communicate using feelings, while others communicate to us through a sense of simply “knowing”. When I say “voices” I include all of these – and any I failed to mention.
These voices have information for you – all of it useful. Some you can use by following; others you can use by doing precisely the opposite. It’s a matter of knowing whether or not a given voice is on your side.
How do you know? Listen! (Simply “Listen” might not be the best word; not even the phrase “Active Listening” which I often use in all my Seminars and inmy Coaching Sessions. Perceive might be a better word, or look within, or be aware of your inner process. I’ll use “listen”, because it goes along with the analogy of “voices,” but know that when I say “listen” I also mean watch, sense, perceive and be aware of what’s going on inside. This is why I use loads of imagery exercises or what I call CEP, (Closed Eye Process in my all my Seminars).
Start by listening and keeping track of which voice says what. You can assign them characters, if you like. Here are four of my inner favourites:
The critic. We see this voice as a vulture. Pick, pick, pick, nag, nag, nag. Nothing we, or anyone else does is good enough. (Except occasionally when somebody does something undeniably outstanding, then the vulture says, “Well, you’ll never do anything that good.”) doom and gloom fly with the vulture. It feeds on unworthiness, and its droppings are the doubts, fears and judgements that keep us from moving towards our goals.
The praiser. The praiser I see as an eagle. It proudly tells us all the wonderful things we are, have and do (I use this reverse order in all the Seminars I do; i.e. BE – DO – HAVE, rather than the usual world, universal order, HAVE- DO – BE. Many, if not all the participants in Seminars, be it in London, Madrid, New York, Singapore or anywhere else, participants in Spain say, “Me han roto mis esquemas”, meaning 'My mindset has been toppled down'. It generously praises the BEingness, activities (DOingness) and accomplishments (HAVingness) of others. It’s the one that lets us know we are worthy no matter what, and that our worth does not need to be proved, earned or defended. We are worthy just the way we are, right here and right now, at this very moment. All that we are is fine just the way it is. It flies on the wings of grace, gratitude and love. This reminds me of the 2000 "Eurovion Song Fest" winner song, 'Fly On The Wings Of Love' sung by the Dannish singers, Olsen Brothers. It nurtures our very BEingness.
The dummy. The dummy is a turkey. It’s the one who answers quickly and loudly, “I don’t know,” to almost any question. The turkey is the one that keeps us DOing all the stupid things we DO and then says, “Darn! I knew better!” We may know better, but no one told the turkey. Turkeys are no good flying. They're good only in the oven especially on Thanksgiving and Christmas time. If you leave them out in the rain they will drown. They have nothing to be thankful for on Thanksgiving; perhaps they do?
The knower. The knower is like an egg. An egg? Yes, as W.S. Gilbert said. “As innocent as a new-laid egg.” That’s one of the attributes of our knower – each moment is new, fresh and innocent. Or as Hans Christian Anderson pointed out, “His own image was no longer the reflection of a clumsy, dirty, gray bird, ugly and offensive. He himself was a swan! Being born in a dockyard does not matter, if only you are hatched from a swan’s eggs.” Our knower knows who we are and the nature of the bird in the egg (HINT: It isn’t a vulture). It has sufficient self-love to keep itself warm and cosy while gestating. It knows the hatching will take place at precisely the right moment. It is content and divinely patient until then. As Robert Burns wrote of his egg, “The voice of Nature loudly cries, / And many as message from the skies, / That something is us never dies.”
It’s a good idea to listen to what the voices say, not to how they say it. As Lord Byron reminds us, “The devil hath not, / in all his quiver’s choice, / An arrow for the heart like a sweet voice.” And Freud, a century later, wrote, “The voice of the intellect is a soft one, but it does not rest until it has gained a hearing. Ultimately, after endlessly repeated rebuffs, it succeeds. This is one of the few points in which one may be optimistic about the future of mankind, but in itself it signifies not a little.”
If all these birds in our heads are too much for you, perhaps you could use the metaphor of tuning a radio, or changing channels on a television. Once you tune into your own network of wisdom, you’ll have guidance that’s sure, clear and direct. (You may not always want to follow it, but you’ll know it’s there nonetheless).
Accountability
To the degree the events of the world happen to us, we are powerless pawns in a game of chance. The most we can do is hope, (hoping against hope), having lots of life assurance, and buy emergency food supplies.
The degree we know that we have something to do with what happens to us, we gain authority, influence and control over our lives. We see and know by changing our attitudes and actions, we can change what happens to us.
In a word we become accountable.
When something happens to you, you can explore it and like to see that you had something to do with it taking place. In all my Seminars in the “Victimhood” part, I tell participants that you either Created it, Promoted it, or – at the very least – Allowed it. (To remember the words; Create, Promote, Allow, just remember C.P.A. = accountant = accountability, not C.ertified P.ublic A.ccountant. (C.P.A.). In fact, accountants (or CPA if you will) are accountable to what they are doing with the accounts of one or of a company’s accounts, thereby Accounting.)
When looking for areas of accountability (reminding you again, “nothing” to do with Accounting, with accounts), I suggest you not start with the biggest victim story of your life. Start with the daily slings and arrows that flesh is heir to. Looking for accountability is like an exercise – don’t try to run a marathon if you’ve been sedentary for twenty years.
Pick a simple “it happened to me” event – misplacing your keys, the plumber not turning up, running out of petrol – and see how you might have had something to do with Creating, Promoting and/or Allowing (C.P.A.) that to happen. Helpful hints:
1. Go back in time. I love to start my “victim stories” at the point they started happening to us – when the you-know-what hit the fan and the fan was running. If you start at an earlier point, however, you see that you promised yourself to always put your keys in the same place, and you failed to do so; the plumber was not known for his reliability; and the low-petrol indicator on your car had been on for so long you thought your car must be solar-powered.
2. What was I pretending not to know? What intuitive flashes did you ignore? “I’d better get some spare keys made,” as you passed the hardware shop a month ago? “This guy’s not going to turn up,” when you first spoke to the plumber? “I’d better get some petrol,” as you passed the 35th station since the petrol gauge came on? We all know a lot more than we pretend to know.
Into all this comes a perfectly good word that has been given a bad rap, responsibility. Responsibility simply means the ability to respond or “better” still, response-ability. Want it even clearer, perhaps? (For those of you who speak Spanish or understand this language), I’ll give it to you in Spanish language: Responsabildad; meaning, la hABILIDAD (the ability) para RESPONDER (to respond) or RESPONS con hABILIDAD = RESPONS-ABILIDAD (Respond with ability). Most people, Spaniards, say (“¿A quién echo la culpa?” (Who Do I blame?) or “¿A quién tengo que castigar por…?” (Who do I have to punish for...?). Americans, English or anyone who uses English as their means of communication, however, use it to mean blame. “Who can I blame for this?” “Who is the culprit here?”
In any situation, we have the ability to respond (which is entirely different from the ability to react; response, not reaction. We are likely to be victims if we react to life situations whereas, not likely to be victims if we respond to same life situations), and our response will make the situation either better or worse. If it gets worse, we have the ability to respond again. And again. And again. By exercising our ability to respond, and watching the results closely, we can, if we so choose to, lift almost any life situation.
One ability to respond we always have is how we react inside to what’s going on outside. The world can be falling apart around us; that doesn’t mean we have to fall apart inside. Remember: It’s OK to feel good when things are going bad (This is Taking Charge, put in another context).
True accountability has three parts. First, acknowledge that you have something to do with what’s happened. Even if you’re not sure what that might be, ask yourself, If I DID Create, Promote or Allow this, what might this be? The answer may surprise you.
Second, explore your response options. In other words, become response-able; meaning, 'respons-able' in Spanish.
Third, take a corrective action. The more accountability you found at the first step, the more corrective action you may want to take. On the other hand, your corrective action might be getting out of the way and letting those who are more accountable than you take care of things. To give you an example: If you spilt the glass of milk, clean up the milk. If a milk lorry spills milk all over the motorway, get off the motorway.
And please remember: You Create, Promote and Allow (C.P.A.) all the good things that happen to you too.
- - - - -Ross Galán, NLP Spiritual Life Coach
at the Spiritual Life Coaching School
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